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Dating With A PurposeBy Dr. Jack SchaapHTML Version
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Table of Contents Dedication
I dedicate my book on dating to my beloved college students who have taught me more than I could ever teach in return, who have challenged and inspired me to reach new heights with God, who have provoked me to holiness by their sincere love and zeal for God, who have made me feel like a hero while they take the five loaves and two fishes I gave them in a classroom and feed multitudes and serve with honor and distinction on the front lines of the battlefield. Without you, I have no ministry. Without you, I have no purpose.
My wife set aside an entire semester of teaching at college in order to help me produce this book. Would anyone be surprised by such a personal sacrifice and investment from the author of A Wife 's Purpose? She is an author herself, but much more; she is the incarnation of her own philosophies and teachings. Through her, I have obtained favor with the Lord. Thank you, Cindy. I love you!
Linda Stubblefield is a godsend to First Baptist Church and Hyles-Anderson College. For all of us who fantasize of being an author, our dreams would remain only air castles were it not for the tireless devotion and indispensable knowledge from this typesetter, advisor, proofreader, "get-it-to-the-publisher-without-error-and-on-time time" worker. Thank you, Linda.
To my preacher, Dr. Jack Hyles, whose principles all of us authors at First Baptist Church "borrow" and reword and put into print. Dare any of us here at First Baptist Church and Hyles-Anderson College think we would have words worth writing or an audience to read them without his wisdom or influence? Thank you, Preacher!
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God,
In prefacing my book, I would like to make a few important personal statements regarding the subject of dating.
I am not an advocate of teenage dating, and by that I refer to junior high and high school dating. The benefits are negligible, and the complications are many. Too much life is wasted on temporary romances that rob teenagers of quality time with their families, learning practical trades and skills, studying diligently, or being involved in Christian activities such as soul winning.
Many of us who work with teenagers would love to see Jesus Christ, a parent, or a bus kid receive the attention and affection given by teens to their junior high and high school sweethearts.
Then, too, I find Christian teens ignorant of basic human relationship principles. They appear untaught, untrained and undisciplined in the most important area of life — human interpersonal relationships.
To be sure, many who promote teenage dating do so with the premise that teenagers will only learn these important disciplines as they enter dating relationships. I question the wisdom of that logic. But then, I find in every relationship of life that we are often ill-equipped and poorly trained to fully nurture the relationship, whether it be marriage, parenting, or career employment.
Relationships suffer because we assume we know what to do, how to do it, and that everything will somehow work out in the end. One needs only to look at the divorce rate, child abuse, child neglect, teenage crime and career job happiness polls to quickly see that we are not succeeding in the relationships that matter most. And I have not even mentioned man's relationship to God.
It is my opinion that dating could be totally eliminated, and marriages would fare the same or better. I simply do not believe that teenage dating is a prerequisite for a happy marriage. To the contrary, I think premature dating or excessive dating can be detrimental to learning the basic disciplines that will build strong marriages and families.
Now after saying that, I must also state that I am not going to give my life to eliminating teenage dating. There are nobler causes at stake. I believe if parents, teenagers and young adults will give this book a thorough reading, I can help them build some foundation stones upon which they can build a strong marriage and a happy family.
In Bible days, the parents played a much more dominant role in the selecting of their child's mate than do the parents in western civilization today. This is even true of parents in the middle and far east cultures today. Take for example Abraham's detailed plan to get a wife for his son Isaac. Not only did Isaac not date, he did not even so much as see whom he was going to marry until after the lady had agreed to marry him (sight unseen) and had left her family to travel to and live where Isaac lived. A hired servant arranged the details, and Isaac agreed to marry the one the servant brought back because Isaac trusted his father. Keep in mind that this is the same Isaac who trusted his father when Abraham began to offer Isaac as a sacrifice on Mt. Moriah.
I'm afraid that kind of trust is rarely earned or given today by fathers and sons.
Teenagers, parents, and youth workers have tough questions. Many teens are getting unwise or conflicting answers from peers or unchristian sources. This leads to confusion and frustration which often leads to rebellion and heartache.
Many ask, "What, if anything, does the Bible have to say about dating?"
The practice of dating is not much found in the Bible. I suppose you could say that Jacob "dated" Rachel (even though he wound up marrying Leah), or you could possibly suggest that Boaz "dated" Ruth. (It is interesting to note that Boaz was 70 years older than Ruth. She was 40, he was 110.) Dating is more of a western culture practice.
Of course, Samson apparently dated Delilah and another woman whose name is not mentioned, but both of these women were unsaved and ungodly. Samson's relationships with them resulted in great heartache and tragedy for Samson and his family. Dating as we know it today in America is more of a modern idea practiced mostly in the western countries. And yet, I hope you will see in this book, the Bible has a tremendous amount of practical advice for modern dating teens. Most teenagers are pretty much left to themselves in their dating. A sad comment I often hear when counseling teenagers about their parents involvement in their dating is, "My parents just want me to be happy." That statement can be tragic and irresponsible. I believe happiness is a by-product of developing godly character and building strong relationships according to the Word of God.
I have two children whom I love dearly. I, too, want them to be happy. But more than I want them to be happy, I want my children to do the will of God. I have found that the happiest people are those who obey God's plans.
How I wish I could get every parent to be as actively concerned about the choice of a mate for their child as was Abraham for Isaac.
Several years ago, I counseled with a lovely teenage girl whom I had known since she was a little girl. Her father is a friend of mine, but he took a very casual involvement in her life's calling and in her dating. She related a vile and rebellious dating lifestyle that she chose because "she was just trying to be happy." It is my sincere desire to help both teenagers and parents with this book. I do not profess to be an expert, though I have had many thousands of counseling sessions with dating, engaged, and married couples.
No book can address all the particular situations a person may encounter. Please use this book as a practical guide. Where specific problems arise that warrant more personal help, please consult with your pastor or other spiritual advisors.
"To every thing there is a season,
In August of 1976 when I was eighteen years old, I attended a national conference on revival and soul winning in Atlanta, Georgia. While listening to a 50-year-old preacher named Jack Hyles, I learned that he had a daughter two years younger than I. Dr. Hyles mentioned how his 16-year-old daughter would snuggle up by him as they rode home from church on Wednesday night together. She would ask her daddy if he got any preacher boys on fire during his weekly travels.
Something stirred inside my 18-year-old soul, and I knew somehow that I was hearing about a girl I would love to meet and date. Something told me deep inside that one day I would meet her. The problem was she lived in Munster, Indiana; I lived in Holland, Michigan. And I was attending college in Owatonna, Minnesota. How would I ever meet her?!
During that conference in Atlanta, my parents met a man who shortly thereafter became the pastor of our home church in Michigan. His name is Jim Binney, and he is a graduate of HylesAnderson College in Crown Point, Indiana. Hyles-Anderson College is operated by Dr. Jack Hyles.
During the December Christmas break of 1976, my new pastor, Brother Binney, called me into his study and asked me why I was not attending Hyles-Anderson College. I replied that my previous pastor had counseled me to attend college in Minnesota. He answered, "I'm your pastor now, and I'm counseling you to transfer to Hyles-Anderson College."
I did transfer, and I found myself wondering in my heart if this could all be part of God's plan to help me meet that single, spiritual, snuggling girl I had heard about in August.
After my first church service at First Baptist Church in Hammond, I was waiting on my ride. Alone, I stood in the giant auditorium of the First Baptist Church and wondered how it could be filled week after week. A lady approached me and said, "I know who you are, and I know whom you should marry." I stepped back in a bit of a shock at her statement of knowing me and prophesying my marriage. I managed a weak recovery and asked who she might be. The lady responded, "I am your new pastor's mother-in-law, and I think you should date and marry Brother Hyles' youngest daughter Cindy.
Now I was thoroughly surprised. Had I somehow leaked my deepest thoughts and wonderment to someone? How could anyone possibly know that this was the very girl I had hoped to meet?
I thanked her and excused myself to catch my ride. Upon arriving back at my dormitory room, I climbed onto my top bunk and sat down to digest this unusual evening. My new roommate, Rick, approached me and said, "I've been thinking about you today, and I came up with a name of a girl I think you'd like to date."
"I hope she's the same one I'm supposed to marry," I said with a grin.
"I didn't know you were even dating anyone," he said.
"I'm not," I answered, "but a lady at church this evening told me whom I should marry."
Rick tried to get me to tell him who it was, but I was a little embarrassed and thought it a bit too presumptuous to tell him.
Finally, Rick said, "Well, for what it's worth to you, I honestly think you should date Cindy Hyles."
"You gotta be kidding," I shot back.
"Why?" Rick asked. "What's wrong with that idea?"
"Well, nothing," I choked out. "But, you see, that's the same person this lady tonight said I should date and marry."
"Well, now," Rick pompously stated, "you see how God is obviously working this out for you two."
And God was working it out. Two interesting incidents occurred after my arrival at Hyles-Anderson College and before my meeting Cindy. One month after I arrived, Mrs. Hyles was speaking at a banquet in my home church in Holland, Michigan. When she arrived home about 1:00 a.m., she woke Cindy and said, "I met the parents and family of a young college boy named Jack Schaap. Do you know him or have you heard about him?"
Cindy replied that some of her girlfriends had mentioned a new college guy by that name, but no, she had not met him. Mrs. Hyles continued, "I think you should meet him because he sounds like a young man in whom we would be interested for you."
This was the first time Cindy's parents had ever "promoted" a boy to her. Usually it was her trying to "sell" them on a guy she thought was "cute."
The second incident occurred a little later. My parents were down from Michigan visiting me. My mother and I were standing in the church lobby waiting for my father. Several young ladies walked by quickly, obviously in a hurry. I would guess there were about five or six.
My mother touched my arm, pointed to a young lady, and said, "Who is that young lady there?"
"That is Cindy Hyles, Brother Hyles' youngest daughter," I replied.
My mother then shocked me by saying, "God just told me that that is the girl I've been praying for you to marry all your life." I was stunned. I had never told my parents my deep thoughts since that August conference in Atlanta. But even as I write these words, I thrill to remember how God providentially worked in our lives to bring us together.
I was introduced to Cindy Hyles not long after, and we had our first date. She was seventeen; I was nineteen. Two years and two months later, she became Mrs. Jack Schaap. To be honest, I loved her from day one. I knew it was right in my spirit; my parents knew it was right; my pastor knew it was right; Cindy's parents knew it was right; and Cindy knew it was right. God was the One Who engineered it behind the scenes.
One month after we had started dating, Cindy's best friend said to her about me, "That man has always loved you, and he always will." What a perceptive friend — she was right.
Within that same month, Cindy's dad told her that I was different, and that she should be very wise and careful with our relationship because he suspected I might be the right one.
I live a very "know-so" life. I know that I am saved. I know that I was created for a purpose. I know that God wants me to be a preacher. I know that I am serving where I am supposed to be. I know I am living where I am supposed to live. I know I married God's perfect choice for my life.
How I wish every one of you reading these words could know these things in your life as surely as I do. And I am convinced God has a place for you to do what He wants you to do and a person for you to marry, just as surely as He had Cindy Hyles Schaap and me for each other.
My prayer is that the principles and practical advice of this book will help you to come to know the will of God in your dating and marriage.
Starting Right
Frequently I am asked by both teenagers and parents, "At what age should a teenager start dating?" I often answer that question with this:
A teenager is ready to begin dating
This commitment should be made to the parents and the pastor of the church and should be made clear to the person you intend to date. It's too late to guard your purity after you've lost it. You can't keep what you don't have. Being committed to purity means more than promising your parents and God that you will try to behave yourself on a date. It means following some simple but hard rules on every date. Good intentions are not enough. Obey the rules that are listed in this chapter.
Be sure that the people you date know where you stand before you get involved with them. When my wife was a teenager, a boy asked her to go on a double date. The other girl promised my wife that she would abide by my wife's standards. However, within just a few minutes after leaving their parents, the other couple began to hug and kiss. My wife's date thought he could do the same with her. Immediately, my wife shouted to the driver, "Take me home, now!"
I am thrilled to be married to a fabulous lady who many years before she began dating me was committed to guarding her innocence. Once you have made your commitment to purity, be prepared to have that commitment tested.
Principles for Beginning Dating
James was a freshman in college. He had met Tricia in the registration line on their very first day at college. Three days later, James came to my office to get a few pointers on dating. After I explained the basic principles that are listed below, James swallowed hard and said, "Brother Schaap, I've broken every rule you have mentioned so far." James and Tricia are not alone in getting off to a bad start in their dating. Unfortunately, a bad start does not appear bad until the relationship is well under way.
The biggest mistake I see in dating couples today is the lack of policy and principle and a premeditated plan. Dating tends to be haphazard, spontaneous, extemporaneous, and often tragic. Dating tends to be more like a bumper car event at a county fair rather than an organized racing event.
I think dating couples and young teenagers should decide what rules they will use to determine whom to date, how often they will date, where to go on a date, what to do on a date, how to behave on a date, how to decide if it is time to break up, how to break up, how to treat each other after breaking up, how to treat parents while dating, how to ask out a girl for a date, how to say "yes" to a boy when accepting a date, what policies to live by if a date becomes improper, what rules to live by if a boy or a girl misbehaves on a date, how to propose to a girl, how to decide if a man is the right one to marry, what rules determine when to marry, etc. All of those policies should be determined before a couple in their teenage years begins to do any kind of regular or serious dating.
The following are some basic principles to help guide dating couples through the beginning days of dating.
1. The man should ask out the lady before each date. The couple should never assume they will go out on a date with one another. Even if one of the dates is a regular date on the same evening each week, the man should ask the lady for the date at least a few days in advance.
2. Limit the number of dates to a maximum of three per a two-week period. In other words, during any 14-day time period, a couple should not be together more than three times. One of these three dates could last from two to four hours. Each of the other two dates should not be more than 45 to 60 minutes long.
3. Do not spend unscheduled time together. It is exciting, but often harmful when a couple decides to spend time with each other that is not part of the regular dating schedule. In later stages, there may be some room for creativity within the dating schedule, but in the early months, special care should be taken to avoid this.
4. Couples who date while attending the same school should not visit each other between classes. This is unplanned time, and too many problems arise that cannot be settled during this brief time. Perhaps one or the other failed a test or quiz. They may appear to be discouraged or down-hearted. This would not be good during these early stages of dating.
So often I walk down the hallways of schools and look at the couples "dating" between classes. More often than not, the couples are trying to squeeze more out of the occasion than time permits which often leads to frustration, fussing, and disappointment.
The wise dating couple understands that their schooling is very important, and mental preparation between classes is essential for proper learning in the classroom. Then, too, each day should be spent gathering interesting material to bring to the planned dating time later that day or week.
Couples who have unscheduled dates or couples who date between classes, quickly exhaust their interesting conversation material. Then, when they meet for their planned date, they often resort to conversing about matters that are too intimate, personal, or mature for their stage of dating; thus, rushing the dating cycle and stealing from their future dating enjoyment.
5. The man should plan an outline of activity for each date Often men are told to be the spiritual leaders in a relationship. What exactly does this mean? The word spiritual comes from the word spirit. "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city." (Proverbs 16:32) "He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. "(Proverbs 25:28) These verses command us to control our own spirits. Being spiritual simply means having command of our spirit, or planning a controlled environment. Spiritual leadership on behalf of the man means planning each date carefully to avoid boredom, improper conversation, or improper behavior. It also means planning a delightful and uplifting date. I will list several ideas for dating in another chapter.
6. The early stages of dating should be filled with action-type dates rather than conversation-type dates. There are some important reasons for this. If your dating relationship continues, you will want to relive sweet memories. Shared experiences bring closeness. If I want my wife to feel close to me, I simply start talking about the experiences we have shared through the years.
However, rarely have we reflected on the times we sat around and talked; although, we have discussed the time my pregnant wife slipped on a freshly waxed bowling lane and slid halfway down the lane with her bowling ball.
As I spoke to my wife about this chapter, she reminded me of the time I first introduced her to my uncle. We were standing by the door waiting for my uncle to answer. When he did, a giant drift of snow from his roof fell on my girlfriend's head knocking her down. There she was, buried immodestly in a pile of snow, her lovely hairdo ruined, tears streaming down her face from pain and embarrassment, and my uncle laughing at us hysterically. I thought it was funny then, and we both think it's funny now. And as we share these experiences, we sense a love and closeness to each other that further knits our hearts. Build a storehouse of memories from fun, spiritual, and crazy experiences you enjoy together. If the bulk of your early dating is purely conversational, you will have "precious little" to relive later. For the lazy couple who only want to get serious quickly, it is easy to spend hour upon hour, date after date talking. The problem is that quite soon after you start dating, you are both all talked out of the simple and harmless topics. At this point, most couples reach into their private lives and reveal too much of themselves; or they discuss marriage, engagement, child rearing, or intimate feelings in order to maintain that romantic momentum.
Then, after they have exhausted those subjects, they get fussy with one another, they critique each other's moods, love, and countenance. A moody "up-one-day, down-the-next" syndrome develops that drives a wedge between them. And sadly, many couples break up or get physically involved to escape the pressure.
Keep your early dates fun, light-hearted, action-oriented, and well-planned. This certainly does not mean you should not talk. By all means, converse with each other. I simply think it unwise to spend large amounts of time on a date doing nothing but talking. Talk while you are bowling or playing miniature golf or paddling a canoe or feeding the ducks at the local pond or ice skating. But keep your "let's-sit-down-and-talk" time to 10 or 15 minutes per date.
Then too, many first-time daters have a bit of difficulty talking comfortably early in their relationship. Going on church activities and group outings and action-type dates makes it easier for the "silent types" to enjoy themselves without feeling too pressured because they can't think of anything to say.
7. Remember that you cannot go backwards emotionally in a dating relationship. It is very easy to accelerate your relationship, but nearly impossible to slow it down. If one day a man tells his girlfriend that he loves her, she will never be satisfied with an "I like you" again. If a couple dates four or five times per week, it is devastating to drop back to two or three times per week. Therefore, don't move faster than you can comfortably sustain over a long period of time. If you're going too slow, you can always speed it up immediately. If you're going too fast, it will take a minor miracle to slow down the relationship. Seek the practical advice from your parents and pastor to help pace you relationship.
Couples who progress too quickly in their relationships usually find themselves facing one of three tragic pitfalls:
(1) They get physically involved in their dating behavior. (Se the chapter on Purity.)
(2) They run away together and elope or move the wedding day up much too soon, usually delaying or cancelling their preparation for God's plan for their lives.
(3) They break up because the emotional strain has caused them to become irritated and frustrated with one another and to say damaging and hurtful words that wound their spirit beyond healing.
There are many couples who should have married, couple who were God's will for each other, but they broke up because they simply failed to carefully pace their dating. Then, after they broke up, they quickly got serious with another person in what might be called a "rebound relationship" and never married God's perfect choice.
8. Remember that most people do not marry the first person they date. If a couple does break up, they will want to end the relationship with no regrets about their behavior. So many couple with whom I counseled have guilty feelings from their poor handling of previous dating relationships.
9. Date only one person at a time. Some good people may disagree with me on this point, and because of that, I have explained the matter more carefully in the chapter entitled "One at a Time Please."
10. Be an exceptional couple. No doubt there are "successful exceptions" to some of these pointers. I know of a happily married evangelist who married his wife eight weeks after they met. It is very unwise, however, to build your principles upon exceptions. It seems popular to want to be an exception to the rule, so that, in reality, the exceptional young couple is the couple who lives by the rules. I have given you "safe" advice in this chapter. These are time-tested principles that are good insurance for a solid and lasting relationship, assuming of course that you are dating the right kind of person.
Purity Is Not a Dirty Word
"Blessed are
the pure in heart: for they shall see God"
The Bible was half-thrown and half-dropped onto the table, barely missing my tray of food. I looked up into the demanding faces of three teenagers. Don was about 16 years old. He spoke up immediately, "You said in your sermon, Brother Schaap, that it is wrong to hold hands, kiss, and hug while dating, and you said that you could prove it from the Bible. There's my Bible! I don't know of any verse that says, 'Thou shalt not hold hands,' or 'Thou shalt not hug.' Let's see if you really can convince us it's in there." I smiled at Don and his two female companions. I always enjoy taking the Bible and making sense out of the confusing issues that face teenagers. Dating standards is one of the "hot" issues with nearly every teen.
Don and his friends sat across from me at the table along with several other teenagers whose ears had perked up at the mention of "dating," "kissing," and the "Bible" all being used in the same sentence.
Let me share with you in a brief outline what I explained to Don and his friends.
1. Dating standards must be established on the basis of what is pleasing to God rather than what is pleasurable to man. In Genesis 3:5, the serpent fooled Eve into thinking that she could become a goddess, determining what was right or wrong for herself, "... Ye shall be as gods, knowing (determining for yourself) good and evil. "A casual reading of the book of Judges reveals what happens when people do "that which was right in their own eyes. (Judges 21 :25b) They became spoiled, sinful, weak and enslaved by their own appetites, and therefore, they became easy targets for Satan to destroy them. Adam and Eve were destroyed when they chose to determine for themselves what standards by which they would live. In Ephesians 5:10, Paul challenges us to prove, "what is acceptable unto the Lord. " Let me ask you a question. Does your dating behavior prove what is acceptable to the Lord, or does it prove what is acceptable to you? Pleasure is certainly not bad unless it is pleasure at the expense of obedience. It is always wrong to do wrong, even if wrong feels good. A popular song in the 1970's had a line in it that went, "It can't be wrong if it feels so right." The pleasure of wrong can never hold a candle to the joy of doing right. If pleasure is your guide, choose the greatest thrill of all — the pleasure of purity and holiness.
2. Make your goal in dating "How can we stay pure?" not, "How far can we go?" First Timothy 5:22 commands us to, "Keep thyself pure. " The word keep means to guard. The word pure means clean, innocent, modest, perfect, sacred, or blameless. God wants you to guard your innocence so that absolutely no one can blame you or find anything immodest in your dating behavior.
3. Don't arouse desires in yourself or your date that you may not rightfully satisfy. In I Thessalonians 4:1-7, God warns us not to "defraud" one another. The word defraud means to cause someone to want to do something they should not do. God also says in the same passage that we must know how to keep our bodies (vessels) pure of fornication (illicit sexual behavior) and our minds pure of concupiscence (immoral sexual desires). (Please see Chapter 3 for practical standards to prevent defrauding.)
4. Be able to say to your children, "Do as we did. " I desperately wish there was a way I could make every dating couple feel the same passionate desire in their hearts that I have for my children to be pure. I thank God daily that I can truthfully say to my children, "Date just like your mother and I dated." You will want to be able to say the same one day.
5. Men, remember that your girlfriend is someone's daughter, sister, or future wife Treat her just as you would want a man to treat your daughter, sister, or wife. I would be furious if a man tried to defile my precious thirteen-year-old daughter, Jaclynn, or if a man tried to kiss my wife.
Well, that same protective attitude toward their purity should characterize your behavior toward your date. Your girlfriend's daddy or brother might be terribly upset if they knew what you wanted to do with their daughter and sister.
A few years ago I had to break up a major fight between three brothers and their sister's boyfriend. The brothers had driven several hundred miles to fight this guy because he had been getting physically involved with their sister. It was a very nasty situation, and the boyfriend almost lost his life.
6. Realize that anything you steal from the future to enjoy now will only rob you of greater satisfaction later. Physical love is a very wonderful gift that God has given to married couples; and in marriage, it is very satisfying and rewarding. God pity the couple who steals it before their wedding day to satisfy their undisciplined lust. That undisciplined indulgence will only create disrespect and insecurity in their marriage later.
When my wife and I got into our car on our wedding day to drive to the airport, I looked at her as we pulled away from the church and said, "Cindy, everything from here on out is all brand new for us." We were alone in a car. We could hold hands, hug, and kiss; and these were wonderful experiences that we could now share together. It was all fresh and exciting. And since we had kept ourselves pure while we were dating, it has been fresh and exciting to this day.
7. If your date gets physical with you, don't deceive yourself into thinking that they were not physical with someone before you and will not be physical again with someone after you. Just a few days ago, my wife and I were counseling a lovely young teenage girl. She had gotten physically involved with a young man who had told her she was "the only one." I cautioned the girl that there was a very good possibility that he was not being truthful and that there might very well be other girls in his past. She assured me there were none.
Recently this girl came to me crying, "You were right, Brother Schaap, I'm not the only girl he kissed and hugged. He lied to me, and I feel emotionally raped."
You see, he had broken God's command to stay pure, making it easier for him to break God's command to be honest.
I don't care what words of loyalty and devotion he feeds you; if he wants your hugs and kisses badly enough, he'll lie to get them.
Perhaps you girls have been told to pull off your shoe and hit your date with a sharp high heel if he becomes aggressive. This may work, but may I suggest that you begin your dating with the comment that you are very close to your father, and that you tell him everything that happens on a date. That was my wife's technique, and it worked well for her.
8. Remember that wedding vows don't change a person's morals. If your date cheated on his parents, his pastor, and his Saviour before your wedding day, you have absolutely no guarantee that he will not cheat on you after your wedding day.
Too many blinded individuals think that their loose and undisciplined boyfriend is going to make a transformation because he puts on a tuxedo, stands on a church platform, and repeats pretty words. That's just plain dumb thinking. The same is true of a girlfriend making a transformation when she puts on a lovely white gown, carries some lovely flowers and stands at a church altar.
9. Set a goal in your life to walk to your wedding altar pure and chaste and virgin — set apart for just one person. A Christian teenage girl attending a large public high school was asked every Monday by her girlfriends if she had "scored" with her date on Friday, meaning did she behave impurely. One Monday, when her friends quizzed her, she responded, "Any time I want to, I can become like you; but, you can never again become like me."
10. Make a holy vow to God that you will stay pure in your dating. Write your vow in your Bible. Type it on a card, and place the card on the bathroom mirror or on the door of your room so that you will be constantly reminded of your promise to God to stay pure.
Recently it made headlines when twelve Chicago teenage girls took a vow of chastity to stay pure until their wedding day. Even the world respects someone with the character they wish they had themselves.
11. Beg God every day and especially before each date to help you to stay pure.
12. Date only those people who are approved by both your parents and your pastor or spiritual advisors.
13. Realize that moral purity is a marvelous way to honor your parents, please your pastor, and love your God. Did it ever occur to you that it is hard to love a "Spirit"?
You can buy flowers and candy for your date, but how do you show God that you really love Him? Fortunately, God tells us many things He likes, and one of His favorite gifts is when dating couples keep themselves pure.
Then too, what a wonderful way to say to your parents and pastor, "We love you, and we want to show our love and gratitude to those who love us most and have invested in our lives. Therefore, we are going to date in such a fashion that would please you and honor your desires for our lives."
The Bottom Line
After I finished speaking to Don and his friends, I left the table and slowly made my way toward the chapel where I was to preach again. I heard footsteps running behind me, and when I turned, I saw Don coming toward me.
"Brother Schaap, much of what you said makes a lot of sense, but I'm still going to hold hands and probably kiss my girlfriend," he said.
"Why is that so, Don?" I asked. "Because it feels good, and I just like doing it, I guess," he replied. I walked side by side with Don for several moments before I spoke. Finally, I said, "Don, I need your advice on something. My wife and I have not been getting along well lately." Don's eyes widened with curiosity.
"You see, Don, my wife insists that I take out the garbage every week, and she simply does not understand how much I despise taking out the garbage. It stinks, it is messy, and besides, I just don't want to do it. So now we're fussing about who should take out the garbage. Do you have any suggestions to help me?"
Quickly, Don came back, "Brother Schaap, I have to take out the garbage in our house too, so I know how much you hate it, but it really isn't that bad, is it?"
"Don! I hate taking out the garbage," I shouted. "I just don't think my wife ought to insist that I do it if I don't want to do it. I don't want to and that should settle it, right?"
"But, Brother Schaap, that's not the point," he shot back, "If you really love her. .. ." Don's voice trailed off. The impact of what he had tried to tell me struck him deeply in his emotions.
"Go on, Don," I urged. "You were saying, 'If I love her... what?' Finish it for me."
"That's my problem, isn't it, Brother Schaap. I guess I just don't love Jesus enough," said Don. "Brother Schaap, the issue is not what I want to do. The issue is, 'Do I love Jesus enough to simply do what He wants me to do?'"
My friend, that is your problem too. For if you love Him, you will obey His commands; and to those who love Him, His commands are not too much to follow. "By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and keep His commandments... and his commandments are not grievous. ~ (I John 5:2, 3b)
Defraud Not One Another
"For God hath
not called us unto uncleanness,
It is not uncommon for me to counsel dating couples who get into serious moral trouble "by accident." Often, these are really fine Christian young people with good standards and wonderful testimonies. They were not seeking to do wrong, nor were they the kinds of couples who were in need of constant supervision. Often these are couples who were trusted, respected, and usually very responsible.
What happened then? Why do good young people do bad? The answer is, they defraud each other. They allow themselves to get into situations where the strongest of Christians and the noblest of Christians is not strong enough to turn away.
Let me share some very practical rules to follow to prevent "defrauding."
1. Have a curfew. As the evening gets later, the morals become looser. What some couples would never think of at 7:30 p.m., they will do at midnight. Set a curfew and then be in 10 to 15 minutes before curfew. I would suggest a curfew no later than 10:30 p.m. for high school teens and 11:00 p.m. for college age.
2. Don't touch. I mean don't kiss, hug, hold hands, etc. There never has been a couple who held hands and was content to stop with that. I am a firm believer in staying several steps away from danger. Let me logic with you for a moment. The Bible is very clear about not committing adultery1 or fornication.2 Modern teens refer to it crudely as "going all the way." Some of the Bible verses which prove God wants us to guard our purity are: Exodus 20:14 which says, "Thou shalt not commit adultery. " First Corinthians 6:18 instructs us to "Flee fornication." In Hebrews 13:4, the Bible says, "Whoremongers and adulterers 1I am aware that the terms adultery and fornication are not synonymous, though I am using them together to refer to impure behavior in a general way.
2Technically, I define adultery as the introduction of third party into the marriage relationship. I define fornication as any sexual sin including pornography, impure thoughts, impure actions with another one or one's self, homosexuality, etc. God will judge. "First Thessalonians 4:3 tells us, "For this is the will of God.., that ye should abstain from fornication."
However, before a couple commits an immoral sexual act, they are engaged in heavy kissing and touching (commonly referred to as necking and petting). It is interesting to note that in I Corinthians 7:1, God wrote, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." That word touch means a touch that lights afire. The fire here refers to the fire of sexual desire. The Bible teaches that only married couples are allowed to stir up a sexual desire, and that fire is started by "touching." Paul then continues by saying that marriage is the only place where that kind of touching is allowed.
Before the necking and petting stage, there is some hugging and kissing. And before the hugging and kissing stage, the couple is holding hands, stroking an arm or face, etc.
Now, let me ask you a question. "If you want to be absolutely certain that you do not commit fornication, where is the wisest place to stop getting physical?" If you're honest, you would agree that the best place to stop is to not get physical in the first place.
Wrong Exit
Interstate 94 is a major highway near where I live, connecting Chicago, Illinois, with Detroit, Michigan. Suppose you see me get off at the exit marked "Detroit, Michigan." You would rightly assume that I probably was headed in the direction of Detroit, even though I might not go all the way to Detroit.
If you stopped me, asked me my destination, and I said, "Chicago," you would be confused. You would probably tell me I was headed in the wrong direction to go to Chicago. And you would be right.
Let me ask you a question. How far toward Detroit must I go to
give you the impression that I am not heading to Chicago? Not very far. My simple act of turning off on the exit marked "Detroit" tells you that I am not intending to go to Chicago.
And when you get on the exit that leads to impurity, you are not sending a clear signal that you want to wind up in the city of Purity!
Then, too, you never know how far you can go and still stop. Passion is like an avalanche — once it starts, there is no stopping it. It is like dynamite — it takes only a little match to start a devastating explosion.
Suppose for a moment that you and your date decide that you will stop right before you commit fornication. Let's also suppose that just one time you slip one step and cross over your line. You have now committed a horrible sin of immorality.
Now suppose another couple sets their line at holding hands. They, too, have a weak moment and cross over their line. Their sin? Holding hands. Which guilt would you rather take to the marriage altar?
3. Don't feed your mind with a lifestyle that contradicts your dating standards. You won't keep your commitment to purity if you feed on the sexual indecency of television, rock music, romance novels, or trashy magazines.
4. Don't begin reading books that address the physical aspect of marriage more than three months before your wedding date.
5. Don't be alone with your date in a car or in a house.
6. Don't date when you are tired and weary. Your morals break down as your physical energy wears down.
7. Let your limits be known to your date, not harshly and unkindly, but firmly and sincerely. If your date's limits differ from yours, you should both decide to abide by the stricter of the two or you should decide not to date. And your parents should be told if there is a difference in your standards so that they might be able to work out a solution. "Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand" (Philippians 4:5)
8. If one partner becomes physically aggressive, the other partner must take a stand by reminding them of their prior commitment to purity. If the aggressor does not change immediately, ask to be taken home or leave immediately. There will be times when one or the other of you is weaker. This does not necessarily mean that the person is bad. It does mean that the stronger one must leave immediately as did Joseph in the Old Testament. After the weaker , one has calmed down and had time to think through the matter, there should be an apology and a recommitment of extra caution to pure standards. I would much rather that my daughter slap a man's face if he tries to touch her and work out their hurt feelings later than to have them guilt-ridden because they defiled themselves.
9. Use a chaperon system when dating. This does not mean that a dating couple must have a little sister or brother or anyone else "breathing down their neck" constantly. Certainly there can and should be times when the couple is allowed to be alone in public. Riding bicycles, taking public transportation, walking down neighborhood streets, eating in a restaurant, walking through a shopping mall, and such like are all proper ways for a couple to be "alone."
There should be many group dates; however, especially during the early stages of dating. Also, there could be double-dating as long as the second couple has the same commitment to purity.
Basically, using a chaperon system means you are going to be accountable to someone other than yourselves. There is no accountability when in a car alone. There is no accountability when in a house alone.
Also, let me say this. Simply having someone somewhere in the same house is not being accountable. The dating couple should not be isolated in a distant part of the house far removed from others. 10. Never trust yourself. I suppose this point sort of summarizes all of the previous points. We are all made of flesh. We all have certain "weaker" moments. We all need all of the help we can get to walk to our wedding day pure. Don't be so proud that you don't think you are capable of committing the worst of sins.
11. Plan your dates. Unplanned dates are one of the biggest causes for physical defrauding. It's easy for couples with weak self-discipline and little creativity to get physical. Pure couples must work hard to plan each date and be creative to prevent the boredom that often leads to defrauding.
12. Dress modestly and appropriately. How you dress determines how you act. Sloppy dress = careless actions; immodest dress impure actions; proper dress = proper actions.
Principles of Dress
Before I deal with the subject of dress, please allow me to teach a couple of basic differences about men and women. Men are primarily stimulated by sight. That explains the popularity of "sexy" magazines with many males. (Notice that I did not say "men." No "real man" allows himself to look at that kind of sleazy material.) It bothers me to think that colored ink on paper can stir a gland in our bodies. Women, on the other hand, are primarily stimulated by touch, sound, and atmosphere. Words of affection, a well-planned date, good manners, and physical touch are what stimulates a woman.
In one of her lectures on marriage, my wife compares a man to a microwave oven and a woman to a crockpot. Men can be almost instantly stirred by a picture or a thought or a suggestive look whereas a woman responds more slowly by creative and imaginative means of communication, soft music, and a proper atmosphere.
This is why it is vital that ladies dress in a modest fashion. What may be trendy and fashionable may also be quite stimulating to a man. This is also why it is vital that a man keep his hands off his girlfriend, keep the conversation clean and proper, and keep dates well-planned and chaperoned.
Let me give you some Bible principles for proper female dress based on I Timothy 2:9-10, which says, "In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works."
Adorn The word adorn comes from the Greek word cosmos which describes the well-designed plan of the universe. It refers to dressing according to a divine plan and a well-thought out plan. It means that a woman should give careful thought to organizing her wardrobe and clothing to match God's purpose for her as a lady.
Modesty The word modesty means balanced or harmony. Simply put, a lady should dress so that no one part of her body or her clothing draws attention to itself. Wild hair styles, excessive make-up or jewelry, tight sweaters or skirts, unbuttoned blouses, a dress or skirt that is too long or too short, shocking designs or colors all speak of an immodest dress style.
Anything that is distracting is Biblically immodest. We tend to think that only high hemlines or plunging necklines are immodest; however, clothing that is dirty, unpressed, out-of-style, or ill-fitting is also immodest, as is dirty or uncombed hair, poorly applied makeup, or not wearing hose and dress shoes with a dress. Even the absence of make-up can be immodest if it distracts from the overall look of balance and harmony.
Apparel This word literally means a let-down, flowing garment. What a great definition of a proper skirt or a dress. This definition eliminates shorts, trousers, tights, mini-skirts, or tight-fitting garments for women.
Shamefacedness The word shamefacedness is a beautiful one that describes the feeling a little child has in the presence of an adult. Literally, shamefacedness means quick to blush. When you look in the mirror before you leave your room, young lady, ask yourself, "Do I dress to entice the eyes of men?" or "Do I blush to think that evil eyes would feed their wicked minds on my form and figure?" Oh for a generation of pure young ladies who could blush again at the very idea that the way they dress might hint of impurity!
Sobriety This word means self-control. The world flaunts its fashions, and peer pressure insists that you dress according to the "styles" of the day, but sobriety says you must exercise self-control and do what is right. Sobriety says, "I must dress to show my character, not my body. I must show 'Jesus in me,' that 'hidden man of the heart,' not a sexy, sultry, 'tough' image of a 'modern teen.' "Sobriety says, "I will dress to say, 'I love Jesus, not the world.'
God does not want you to dress in a stuffy, out-of-date style. Nor does He want you to look dowdy, uncomfortable, or "strange." I am convinced that Christian young ladies should look as "sharp" and "classy" as they can afford to do so.
In light of what has been said in the previous chapter on "defrauding," allow me to ask you this question. Do you honestly believe a young lady can put on a swimsuit and go swimming with her boyfriend without causing him to think and feel unholy thoughts and feelings? My preacher puts it well when he says, "A young man who can see a pretty girl in a bikini or a pair of shorts without feeling something inside is either sick or not normal."
I don't believe for a second that a man must lust every time he sees an immodestly dressed woman; but, neither do I believe a woman has the right to tempt a man, especially her boyfriend.
It boggles my mind how we justify our sin. If a woman were to walk through her neighborhood wearing only her undergarments, she could (and should) be arrested for indecent exposure. However, if she paints those undergarments with bright, flashy colors, puts sand under her feet, and stands by a hole in the ground filled with water, she is totally justified in her immodesty. Please explain to me what makes that "right"? Does the presence of sand, the location of water, the degree of temperature or the geographical location make it acceptable? No! Right and wrong are consistent the world over by all people who choose to follow the principles of God's Word.
When the Bible says, "not with broided (braided) hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But.., with good works, "I believe Paul is contrasting the emphasis a lady ought to have in her dress. The same type of wording is found in I Peter 3:3, which states, "Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel. " Now notice, if it is wrong to wear gold or plait your hair, then it would also be wrong to wear apparel. Certainly, that is not what Paul or Peter (or the Holy Spirit) is saying.
Simply put, God wants you to dress to be able to serve Him and not need to worry about how everyone thinks you look. If you are more concerned about how you look in the sight of others than you are about how you can help someone who needs Jesus Christ, you are then dressing unscripturally. Too many girls would never put a little bus kids on their laps — they would soil their clothing or mess up their hairdo.
What About Deuteronomy 22:5? "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God"
This is one of the most despised and debated verses by women who do not want to forfeit their "right" trousers. Let's look at it with an open heart and mind. What does this verse say?
1. There is some kind of apparel that "pertaineth unto a man,"
2. A woman is not allowed to wear It. I know, this is Old Testament and written to Jews, and it doesn't say what that apparel is that pertains to a man. You are absolutely correct. But, please follow me all the way to the end of this chapter.
I said first, there is some kind of apparel that "pertaineth unto a man.
I said secondly, a woman is not allowed to wear it.
3. There is something called "a woman's garment" "It doesn't say what that is, but there is a definite implication that men have a unique garment and women have a unique garment.
4. Men are not allowed to put on that woman's garment.
5. Any man or woman who does so are an abomination to God. Now what does that mean? An abomination unto God is anything that God hates, despises, abhors, greatly dislikes, or punishes.
May I list for you some of the abominations of God? Homosexuality, incest, witchcraft, and women who wear a man's garment, or men who wear a woman's garment are just a few. That which God despised in the Old Testament, He still despises today. If you say Deuteronomy 22:5 is not for today, then all these other abominations found in the Old Testament are acceptable for today.
God has never changed what He hates. "For I am the LORD, I change not." (Malachi 3 :6a) Our only question that needs an answer is what exactly is "that which pertaineth to a man" and "a woman's garment." I'll let you answer that the next time you use any public restroom. Even the world knows the universal symbol for men and women — a stick figure with trousers for men and a stick figure with a dress for women. Everybody, except stubborn Christians, knows what these garments in Deuteronomy 22:5 are. "For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. (1 Samuel 15:23a)
Your Dream List
Robert was frustrated. He had been looking for the girl of his dreams for several years without success. He finally sought counsel. When I asked Robert what he was looking for in a girl, he pulled out a well-worn 8 1/2" x 11" piece of paper he referred to as his "dream list." There were over twenty-five items on his list of necessary qualifications for a wife, including such items as "play the piano,"" sing solos," "make her own clothes," "not more than 120 lbs.," "confident," and "meek and quiet." I looked at Robert and then back at his list. "Robert," I said, "You left an important item off this list."
"What's that?" he asked.
"You forgot to put down here that your dream girl better not have a 'dream list' of her own. If she does, you're in trouble."
In Matthew 1:19, we read, "Then Joseph... being a just man ... was minded to put her away privily "Joseph obviously expected his mate to have some standards, and when those standards were violated, Joseph faced some very tough choices. On the other hand, Samson said to his parents, "I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife ... for she pleaseth me well. " (Judges 14:2b, 3b) The only item on Samson's dream list was selfish pleasure.
Too often, dating couples are guilty of one of two extremes in selecting a mate. Either they have established no standards for a mate and many someone who has poor moral or spiritual values, or they have an enormous list of ridiculous requirements such as Robert's that would have disqualified Adam from marrying Eve, Abraham from courting Sarah, or Joseph from taking Mary to be his wife.
Some of the "wife requirement sheets" I have seen from the preacher boys in our college look more like job application forms for an assistant pastor or church secretary. Someone said that the only requirement for a wife is her "kissin' ability." Most men reading this will appreciate that — just be sure you single men wait until your wedding day to test that ability.
I have also seen lists that included piano playing, typing and shorthand skills, as well as athletic talent in several sports. Most of those items are "cream." They might be nice as an added bonus, but they are not totally necessary when compared to the qualities of virtue and character that are vital for a marriage to endure and prosper.
Let me offer a helpful and practical "dream list."
1. As a general rule, the person you date should not be more than twenty-five percent older or younger than you. For instance, a fifteen-year-old should not date someone older than eighteen; an eighteen-year-old should not date someone older than twenty-two, and so forth. The younger you are, the less age difference there should be. Again, I realize there are happily married couples who have a greater age difference between them, but that is not the wise choice.
2. The person you date must meet your parent's approval.
Before you ask out that pretty gal, or before you say "yes" to his invitation, seek your parent's advice. If you do not have parents who care to involve themselves with your life, seek your pastor's advice.
If you wait to seek your parent's or pastor's approval until after you have dated that person a while, you may very well feel too emotionally involved to stop the relationship if your parents or pastor do not approve.
It may be difficult to check with your parents if you are away from home or at college. Here are some ideas you can follow.
(1) Arrange to have your parents visit the campus and meet the person.
(2) If you are a lady, suggest to the young man that he write or call your parents before you date.
(3) Seek the advice of a godly college leader. Ask them to give you a reference on the person whom you want to date.
(4) Ask the pastor of the church where you are attending to investigate the person and give you his counsel.
Susan came to my office at my request. Her pastor back home had called my office quite concerned about the young man she was dating. Susan and Dan were both freshmen and had met just three months earlier. They were planning to be married in six months.
I asked Susan what she knew of Dan. For several minutes, she extolled his virtues and strengths. I said, "Susan, who told you about all these wonderful traits of Dan?"
"Well," she said, "Dan told me."
"Have you investigated his character or background before making your decision to many him?" I asked.
"I don't need to!" she snapped back at me. "We're in love, and that's all that matters."
What disturbed me was her refusal to face some tough facts. Dan had been expelled from college that semester, but he had told Susan he dropped out because of financial reasons. Well, Dan was partly right. He was lazy and couldn't hold a job. He wanted to move away from the college and take Susan with him. He had painted a very romantic picture of the two of them finding a good job while going to another school part-time, all the while "living on love." I asked Susan if she had sought her parent's approval of Dan. She had not. In fact, her parents had never met Dan nor even spoken to him on the phone.
I asked her if she had sought her pastor's advice. She said she had and that her pastor was very much for the relationship. Well, now I smelled a skunk. It was tragic enough that her parents had so little input, but I knew personally what her pastor's feelings were. He was definitely not "very much for the relationship."
When I confronted Susan with this fact, she confessed that she was afraid that either her parents or pastor would forbid her to date Dan. I assured her that Dan was not a bad boy, but he needed a couple of years of disciplined training to mature into a capable husband to provide for her and a family. She agreed and wisely asked me to investigate more fully Dan's character and background.
Never, never, never date anyone without the approval of your parents, your pastor, or a godly Christian whom your parents and pastor trust.
3. The person whom you date should promote the relationship you have with your parents. Anyone who tries to drive a wedge between you and your family, or complains about the time you spend with your family is a childish, insecure, selfish, demanding person who is not yet mature enough to date you.
4. I recommend you date someone you could enjoy seeing everyday for the rest of your life. There should be a "chemistry" in a relationship that is heading toward marriage.
I'm not simply talking about a handsome face or pretty teeth or a fair complexion or a lovely figure. I will say, however, that beauty is usually in the eyes of the beholder. I have known scores of couples who were neither physically attractive nor dynamic of personality, yet they had a chemistry between them that made them beautiful in one another's eyes. Young men, keep in mind that 90 percent of the physical beauty that captivates your eyes is probably due to her being able to afford more expensive makeup, hair styling, or clothing. Put the same expensive dress and shoes on some of the so-called "plain Janes" who have good character and a sweet spirit, and your eyes might be dazzled with their beauty.
The same goes for you young ladies, too. A man who knows how to work hard, stay faithful to his marriage vows, and be a hero to your children is much better than "chiseled" features, rippling biceps, and "designer jeans."
Tim had been dating a young lady for several months and was being pressured by others to move the relationship along toward marriage. He wasn't sure he should do that though, so he sought my counsel.
"Is she someone you would enjoy going home to after a long day at work?" I asked.
Immediately Tim responded, "No way! She's simply a pleasant girl with a nice personality, but I would not be anxious to see her every day of my life." I advised Tim to break off the relationship before this young lady had her nice personality injured.
You will want to date someone who "catches your eye" and continues to capture it through the years. No doubt there will be many days when your spouse does not excite you, and your relationship may be stressed, but over the long haul, you better have that intimate bond that draws you to each other.
5. Date someone who takes pride in their name and has an honorable reputation. Proverbs 22:1 says, "A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches." My parents are honorable people; my pastor is an honorable man; my sister is an honorable lady; my Sunday school teachers are honorable people; my church is an honorable church; my friends are honorable friends; my God is an honorable God; and my Saviour is an honorable Saviour.
I must not bring dishonor or shame to those who love me and have invested in me. I would want the person I date to feel the same toward their family, friends, pastor, church, God, and Saviour.
What people think about me is important. I would not want to date someone who had a flippant "what-do-I-care-what-others-say-about-me" kind of an attitude.
6. Date someone who has kept themselves pure of mind and body. When I was a boy, my Sunday school teacher brought a dozen white roses to our class. Eleven of the roses were bright and fresh; one was wilted and brown. My teacher asked each of us to pick out a rose for ourselves. One by one, we chose "our" rose. After all of us had selected a rose, only one rose remained. To be sure, it was the brown, wilted rose.
My teacher then asked us why no one chose the brown, wilted rose. It seemed quite obvious to all of us. Who wants a dirty, used rose? He went on to explain how we will one day select a mate for our lives. We must keep ourselves pure for that "one" that God has for us, and we should choose someone who has kept themselves pure for us. No one wants "used" or "wilted" merchandise; likewise, no one wants an impure mate for their life.
• If you have made some mistakes in this area, confess your sin to God; ask Him to cleanse you and make you white and pure. Isaiah 1:18 invites us, "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."
During one recent winter day, we received 8" of pure white snow. It sparkled like diamonds in the sunshine. If your past contains impure thoughts and actions, come to Jesus and tell Him your sins, asking Him to make you white as snow. He will! And then live pure and clean from this moment forward.3 3If you have a bad past, you certainly have the right to redeem yourself and regain your reputation; however, it is also wise to understand that parents who have safeguarded their children are going to be skeptical about your change until you have a few years of a good record to support your change. You have the right and opportunity to change. Others have the right to be cautious and slow to give their permission to date their pure daughter or son. 7. Date someone who has the character and self-discipline you admire and desire for yourself Is that person punctual? Does he turn in his assignments on time? Are his shoes shined? Is her dress neatly pressed? Is his hair cut properly and combed? Is she respectful of her elders and peers? How does he treat children? Is his language decent and honorable? Does she ever volunteer to do extra work or service for someone else? Is she polite? Does he speak highly of his mother? Does she speak highly of her father? Does he speak highly of his pastor? Does he respect his sister? Does she respect her brother? Is his locker clean? Does she perform her chores at home? Does she have a sweet disposition? Does he walk like a man?
8. Date someone who helps you uphold your convictions. If you're dating a person who tries to make you lower your standards for any reason whatsoever, drop that person like a rattlesnake! Yes, that takes unusual courage, but you will thank me ten thousand times over if you will trust me on this point.
9. Date someone you would want your children to copy. My wife is the model I promote to my daughter. I want Jaclynn to grow up to be just exactly like her mother.
Children are hero worshippers, and during the highly formative early years of life, Mom and Dad are the primary role models. Right now, I am my son's hero. He calls me his buddy and his hero. Recently he said, "Dad, you are the king of my life." Wow! Did my wife ever think her son would be calling her boyfriend the "king of his life" when we were dating?
Be sure the person you date is worthy to be called "king" by your children.
10. Date someone who won't insist that you forfeit your teenage and college-age years in order to prove your love. I'm certainly not against your falling in love. In fact, I highly recommend marriage. My prayer for you is that you will be as happily married as are my wife and I.
However, don't rush into marriage simply because you think you have found the right one. Marriage is fantastic, but it won't be mature unless you both come to each other with the fullness that patient waiting can give you. Marriage is not the whole of life. Your training for the work God has for you, your final years with your parents, your high school friends, your early years of college — all of these are also important.
Brad and Heather are one of the most lovely couples I know. They were sweethearts from late junior high all the way through college. It was obvious they loved each other. It was also obvious they intended to table their wedding plans until after college, which they did. Do they have any regrets that they had to wait so long? "Absolutely not" was their answer.
Eight months after I began to date Cindy, I asked her father if I could ask her to marry me. He said, "If you and Cindy marry this summer, you would have my blessing, and you would be getting a good wife." Well, that was exactly what I wanted. "But," he continued, "If you will wait one year longer, you will get a great wife."
We waited the extra year. Do we have any regrets that we waited? Absolutely not! My wife and I both were able to fully enjoy our teenage years and our college days before we entered marriage. By the way, I have a great wife.
11. Date only a born-again Christian. To many of you, this is too obvious. I only wish it were to the many dozens of couples I know who have shipwrecked their lives by violating this very clear command of Scripture. II Corinthians 6:14 states pointedly, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"
Again, I personally know of couples who married when one or the other was not saved. The only thing they prove is that God is merciful and forgiving. The Bible says, "Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God" (Matthew 4:7)
Don't "push" God's kindness by disobeying His command to not be "unequally yoked together with unbelievers." (II Corinthians 6: 14a) God punished the nation of Israel more for marrying unbelievers than He did for any other sin.
Julie was beautiful and had a vibrant Christian testimony. She loved her parents and her church. But, Julie fell in love with an unsaved boy, and no amount of counsel or "friendly advice" could sway her from making plans to marry this guy.
Julie repeatedly said, "He'll get saved soon. And after we're married, he promises to attend my church." So goes the path of deceit and brokenheartedness.
The night before their wedding, Julie's fiancé was given a "stag party" by his unsaved "buddies." He was still drunk at the wedding time, and his best man had to physically hold him up while he slurred through his vows.
Julie assured everyone that this would all change after the honeymoon. It didn't. It never does!
Three years of marriage, two children, and dozens of physical beatings later Julie cries, "I would rather die than live another day in this marriage. l'd rather my children die than suffer through this hell on earth. Why didn't I listen to those warnings?"
1 don't know. Why don't you?
Perhaps as you read this, you personally do not know what it means to be a "born-again Christian." Let me explain it for you. To be born again means to be born spiritually. You had a physical birth, but you need a spiritual birth, else you will die and go to Hell forever. You ask, "How can I be born again spiritually so I don't go to Hell?" Very simple. Read these four facts:
(1) You are a sinner. "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23)
(2) Sinners deserve to go to Hell. "The wicked shall be turned into hell." (Psalm 9:17)
(3) Jesus Christ loves you, died for you, and rose from the dead for you. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8b)
(4) You must personally ask Jesus to save you from Hell. "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." (Romans 10:13)
How do you call upon the name of the Lord? Let me help you. Make this prayer your personal call to Jesus as you sincerely read it out loud: "Dear Jesus, I admit I am a sinner, and that I deserve to go to Hell. I believe You died for my sins. Right now, the best I know how, I ask You to forgive me for my sins and save me and give me eternal life with You in Heaven. Thank You for loving me and saving me. Amen."
If you just asked Jesus to save you, write to me and let me rejoice with you.
12. Date only a soul winner. Telling people of the love of Christ is the greatest and most important work any person could do. Date someone who does the greatest and most important work.
Before we married, my wife had personally won over 1,000 people to Christ. What a personal motivation that was to me. My girlfriend inspired me to want to tell others of Christ. That's what I call the right kind of person to date.
13. Date someone who loves God, the Bible, and old-fashioned preaching. Our first date was to a youth revival, as was our second. The very first thing my new bride and I did when we entered our hotel room on our honeymoon was to kneel by the sofa and read the Bible and pray.
Don't date some backslidden person just because they have a pretty face or a handsome smile. Date someone who has a passion for Jesus!
How to Ask Out a Girl
I had positioned myself in the balcony of our church so that I could see Cindy sitting across the auditorium on the main floor. Tonight was the night I would ask her for a date. I honestly do not recall anything from that church service, but when it ended, I distinctly remember my friend Rick saying, "Jack, it's now or never."
Instantly, my palms became wet and clammy. My stomach tried to force its way out of my abdomen as though it were possessed by a demon, my heart pounded so loudly I was certain Cindy could hear it from where she was sitting. My knees grew weak and nearly buckled as I stumbled and staggered down the stairway.
"I don't have to go through with this," I thought. "No girl ought to have this much power over a man. Why should something as simple as asking out a girl make a grown man quiver with fear?"
I didn't have a chance to answer myself, for now I was standing in front of her. Mechanically, my mouth began to open and close. The words came out thick and deliberate. The look on Cindy's face told me that she was enjoying my agony. She was going to let me make a total fool of myself and then destroy what masculine strength I had left by rejecting my invitation; however, her positive answer and kind words startled me.
"Yes, I would like very much to join you for the Youth Revival."
As I walked away with my male ego still intact, Rick asked me, "Well, how did it go, Jack?"
"A real 'piece of cake,' Rick," I hedged. "I was totally in control the whole time."
From the conversations I have had with young men seeking to date, I have found my experience to be the rule more than the exception. I have seen some very strong men wince at the thought of asking out a girl. I have spoken to scores of young men on how to ask out a girl. Let me give you some of the pointers I have shared with them.
1. Have a mutual friend Introduce you to the girl before you ask he, for a date. This could even be a teacher or a pastor. Her response at this time is very important in determining whether or not you should ask her out.
I have introduced many couples who are now happily married. Often I would introduce them and say something like, "I would like you to spend five minutes together, but what you do after that is up to you."
If you fear being rejected by a girl, don't risk a "no" answer by asking a girl who has never seen you or met you. If she has been introduced to you, and she has any interest in you, she will do some "behind the scenes" checking up on you.
I'm not a glutton for rejection. Though I asked out few girls, I never received a "no" for an answer. This is because I never asked out a girl I was not reasonably certain would say "yes" before I asked her for a date.
2. A few days after you have been introduced let her catch you looking at her. Warning! The only place a man should look on a girl is her eyes! A good girl is going to be totally negative toward a man who "checks her out." Keep your eyes only on her eyes. Let me further caution you not to stare at her or constantly look at her.
Shortly after I had been introduced to Cindy, I realized she stayed after the Wednesday night church service waiting for her dad to finish counseling. On one Wednesday evening, I casually strolled the hallways of our church, trying not to seem as though I were looking for her. As I passed by a long hallway, I looked toward the other end and saw Cindy walking the opposite direction as I, but looking my way.
Quickly, I moved on. But then I felt this impulse to back up and catch one more glimpse. When I did so, I saw that she too had backed up to catch a glimpse of me. There we were, standing 60 feet apart looking at each other, feeling totally embarrassed. I thought to myself, "Jack, you 'blew' it. She caught you looking at her.
Immediately, I countered, "But you also caught her looking at you." We were both interested, and we both knew it. Now we were ready to begin the dating game.
3. Between the time you are introduced and you ask her for a date, try to cross her path and greet her personally by name with a pleasant smile. If you're perceptive, you (and sometimes others) will notice if she is simply being polite or if she is flirting back with you.
4. When it comes time to ask her for a date, speak to her when you know she will not be in a hurry, and she won't be with several of her friends.
5. Use her name, remind her of your name, and briefly state your question. When I asked out Cindy, I said, "Cindy, my name is Jack. Bink introduced us a couple of weeks ago. There is a youth revival this week, and I was hoping you would be free on Monday night to join me."
6. Ask her a few days in advance of the date you are planning.
7. Don't expect an immediate answer, but rather ask her to give you her answer the following day at the same place and at the same time. If she does say "yes," so much the better; however, she may want to think it over, get a reference on you, check with her parents, work out schedule conflicts, or think of a polite way to say "no." You are catching her off guard. You had time to plan your words, she did not. It is only fair that she be given time to prepare her thoughts and words.
8. If her answer is yes, give her the details as to place, time, chaperons, proper attire, etc.
9. If her answer is "no," ask her If there is a possibility for a later date. Unless her answer is a cheerful "yes," I would chalk it up to experience and move on or seek wise counsel from your pastor. I would not be interested in dating a girl who did not want to date me or did not make any sincere effort to work out conflicts in order to date me. Either she does or does not want to date. I'm not a beggar, nor am I desperate for her.
10. Remember when you approach a girl for a date, she is just as nervous If not more so than you are. Plan your words well, but don't feel as though you are making a speech. She is as concerned with making a good impression with you as you are with her.
Catching His Eye
A young lady is really at a disadvantage in the dating game. She must wait until a guy asks her out, and often he is not the guy she would prefer to date. She is quite helpless when compared with the guy who enjoys asking whomsoever he will, but such are the rules of dating. How then can a girl catch the right guy? As a man, I know that a girl is not powerless. Though a man must take the initiative, there are strong signals a girl can send to "catch his eye."
1. Be feminine. No man enjoys dating a masculine counterpart. The stronger the masculinity of the man, the greater his desire for a truly feminine lady. On the other hand, the weaker the man, the greater his need for a strong, dominating female personality.
2. Don't be pushy or loud A meek and quiet spirit does not mean weak or boring, nor does it mean boisterous and obnoxious. "But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." (I Peter 3:4)
3. Be spirited A good synonym would be enthusiasm. Men do not like to date a "stick in the mud." They want a girl who is willing to jump in and participate and have fun. When young men ask me what they should be looking for in a girl, I tell them to look for a "positive response." A man wants a girl who wants to be a part of his life. That includes his fun, his ministry, his job, his interests, his friends, his hobbies, and so forth. Points 2 and 3 balance each other. Join in whatever and whenever a guy invites you, but be careful not to steal the show from him or embarrass him. For instance, if a young man invites you to play a game, play with him, even if you do not like the game or fear doing poorly. He will admire your spirit and will enjoy teaching you to play. If, however, you are good at that particular game, you would be wise to lose on purpose.
Shame on the girl who refuses to join the activity. Double shame on the girl who humiliates her boyfriend by overpowering or conquering him.
4. Do not chase a man. This is a cardinal sin. You may flirt to let him know you are interested, but do not become overly infatuated. Let me give you some dangers:
(1) Do not tell everyone how much you want to date him. A simple comment to your best friend or counselor is appropriate, but do not broadcast your feelings.
(2) Do not tease him about dating you. Sharp young men take dating seriously, and are not at all impressed with someone acting forward or silly about dating.
(3) Do not "hang around" wherever he is. It is wise to be available for him to ask you for a date. Some girls hibernate from public and wonder why they are never asked for a date, while others become pests, smothering a guy with their presence.
6. Learn to do the best you can with what you have. Study and learn the art of hair styling, make-up, and appealing dress. There is nothing wrong with your learning how to look the best you can as long as your beauty and clothing are not the "big guns" you are using to catch your man.
May I Suggest a Few Tips?
(1) Don't wear blue jean skirts and sneakers on a regular basis.
(2) Wear dresses that accentuate your feminine form without being seductive. While you should be careful not to wear tight sweaters and tops or tight-fitting skirts, you should not wear baggy clothing that hangs poorly on your frame and detracts from your feminine characteristics. For instance, perhaps you could accent your slender build with a large belt.
Your clothing should emphasize your face and eyes which the Bible calls your countenance. Perhaps a certain type collar on a dress or modest amounts of jewelry would be appropriate. Follow the example of godly ladies who are obviously feminine and whose husbands frequently compliment them on their dress.
(3) By all means, keep your weight down to the proper level. Hundreds upon hundreds of times I have had young men tell me that they would date a particular girl in whom they were interested if only she would lose a few pounds.
(4) Fix your hair every day. Go to the library, study books on hair care and find new ways to wear your hair.
(5) Wear dresses with shoulder padding, puffy shoulders, or expanded shoulders.
(6) Don't be afraid to wear modest amounts of make-up. But, be very careful about using excessive eye shadow. Many guys are turned off by dark or colored eye shadow. (7) Don't be trendy. One of my best friends in college nearly broke up with his future wife because she was the first to wear colored stockings among her peers. I realize this sounds very trite, but I'm trying to give you ladies a bit of insight into the complex male thinking.
(8) Keep your clothes clean and pressed and your fingernails properly manicured.
(9) Wear perfume that men enjoy. Many of the perfumes that women like, men don't. Ask your father or older brother what his favorite perfume is and wear that.
7. Let a guy know if you are interested in him. How? The first few times you walk by him, just catch his eye. Nothing more! Then, the next few times, simply smile at him and pass on by. Then, the next time, catch his eye and say "Hi," using his first name, and keep right on walking. That in itself should be all that is necessary to get him to start talking to you. This process may take a few days or even weeks.
8. Don't go after guys who are already dating regularly. If you can't get them off your mind, tell the matter to the Lord, and your counselor, and leave it completely with them.
9. Don't get "stuck" on one guy you can't seem to get This is a common mistake. The power of fantasy is often overwhelming. I have often recommended to such ladies that they have a "burial service" for this guy. Die to him in your emotions, and give God permission to bring the right one into your life. It is an overworked phrase, but quite appropriate here. God gives the best to those who leave the choice with Him.
10. Watch your posture. Walk like a princess. Don't slouch or shuffle as you walk. Mimic the grace and poise of Christian ladies who have a reputation for such poise. The very first thing that caught my attention toward my wife was the manner in which she walked. There was a charm in her graceful steps that was intriguing to me.
11. Be a hard worker, get good grades in school, and be able to get things accomplished A guy may enjoy dating an "air head," but every guy wants to marry a girl who has her act together.
12. Write a thank-you note after every date. Gratitude is a powerful energy.
13. Build and maintain a strong relationship with your father. Most guys understand that they will be treated much like their father-in-law was treated.
14. Use the words, "I love you" sparingly. Many girls make a mistake of telling nearly everyone in their sphere of life that they "love" them. Keep those words as a special treasure reserved for that one man in your life, Of course, I'm not referring to your family. I think it is fine to use them for your parents, family, and good friends; however, I would not use them for male leaders, teachers and co-workers.
I don't envy the position of the ladies in our dating society; yet, for all the struggles they face trying to get the right man, they do remarkably well. My prayer is that the men will wake up and realize how many lovely Christian ladies are within asking distance.
Height, Breadth, and Depth of Love
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach." — E. B. Browning
In the third chapter of Ephesians, the Apostle Paul writes of a love that has breadth, length, depth and height — a love that passes knowledge and expresses the fullness of God. "That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. "(Ephesians 3:17-19) That's the kind of love I want to know.
And that's the kind of love I want you to know as you grow in love through the different stages of dating. A complete dating relationship could be defined in five stages:
(1) The "First date" stage (2) The "I like you" stage (3) The "I love you" stage (4) The "Engagement" stage (5) The "Wedding day" stage
Allow me to share some insights on these stages.
1. It is normal but very unwise to want to race quickly through these five stages. Most often it is the man who views these stages as goals to be reached as swiftly as possible. Men like a challenge, and more often than not, a man is accelerating into the next stage before the couple has time to savor the present stage.
Of course, a lady too can be overly anxious to pursue the wedding day at the expense of a deep relationship.
2. Enjoy the journey, not just the destination. Keep in mind that eventually you will finish the fifth stage with most of your life before you. What then will keep you challenged — children? Usually, if children are brought into a marriage to keep "spice" in the relationship, the marriage suffers. While children are certainly challenging, they are also a constant energy drain on the parents, often leaving little time for romance in the early days of diapers and feedings every four hours. 3. Develop the breadth of each stage before moving to the next stage. Have as your goal to say "I like you" a hundred different ways before you actually say those three words. Then, after you say them, you will be in the "I love you" stage; but again, think of literally thousands of ways to say "I love you" before you actually say those powerful words.
A few months after my wife and I began dating (I was a junior in college, she was a freshman), I was desperately in love with her. In fact, I had written in a daily journal that I was confident she was "the one" for me after only two weeks of dating. I discussed this with my parents (who had advised me to date her before I had met her), but I could not breathe a word of this to my girlfriend.
I believed I loved her, but I had not told her yet that I liked her, at least not in those words. Through thoughtful dates and special gifts, I had let her know I was quite fond of her, and she always responded in like manner with thoughtful expressions of "like." The time came for me to tell her that I liked her. I didn't want to say it verbally because I wanted to use that method to say "I love you." So I wrote a lengthy letter carefully explaining that the time had come to tell her some important feelings I had for her. She told me later that she was certain I was about to tell her that I loved her. Instead, the letter went on to say that the special words I had for her were "I like you very much." We then entered the "I love you" stage. Now the process started all over again with both of us thinking of hundreds of ways to say "I love you" without using those words.
My, how I want to impress upon you the importance of not using those words in a flippant manner. Reserve those words for that special someone that God has just for you. I explained that to my girlfriend. I said, "Those words are very special words that I would reserve for only one girl in my entire life."
I did not at that time tell her that I loved her. For several months, I had tried to say "I love you" through other words, gifts, creative dates, candy, flowers, smiles, comments about her hair, dress, etc.
Finally, I said, "Cindy. I have tried a thousand ways to say something that is very special to me — something I have reserved just for you. I have exhausted my resources to properly express it to you, and there remains but one way to say it — I love you!" Of course she knew I loved her. But it was very special to both of us to hold off saying those words until we had said them in many different ways first.
Well, Cindy didn't tell me immediately that she loved me. What a rascal she was. I was dying to hear those words from her, but she had been well-trained and was very careful to be sure those words were not just said in response to mine or as a reaction to an emotional evening.
Two full weeks after I told her I loved her, she rushed past me while I was standing on a stairway and whispered in my ear, "I love you, too." I didn't hear her plainly, but I was quite sure she had said what I was longing to hear.
I said, "I heard that."
She said, "You heard what?"
"You said that you lo. . . well.. . er... I think.., you said that you.., well... ah... you know what you whispered to me," I shouted.
Suddenly, she broke into laughter and cried, "I do love you, Jack!" Now, I knew before this that she loved me. Her letters, cards, gifts, smiles, cookies, etc. all told me she loved me. But we both had expanded the breadth and depth of the "I love you" stage which made those words beautiful to hear.
We used the same idea for the stages that followed the "I love you" stage as well. What I'm saying is this: Don't rush into each stage. Enjoy each stage to its fullest, and when you have exhausted every possible way of expressing that next stage, then and only then enter that stage. When you build a relationship this way, you are building a solid foundation for marriage. If breadth of relationship is more important to you than simply entering and achieving the next stage, you will have a loving, expressive marriage. How sad to have said, "I like you" without ever expressing what "like" truly is.
How sad to have said, "I love you" without ever knowing or showing the depth and breadth and fullness of love.
How sad to rush into marriage without ever having taken sufficient time to express your longings and desires in a thousand wonderful, creative ways.
Creative Ideas for Dating
"In the beginning God created.... " (Genesis 1:1)
The very first attribute we learn of God is that He is a creative God. Creativity implies being characterized by expressive thoughts and ideas. Imagination would be a good word. Probably one of the most common problems I see in dating is that of boredom, especially among those couples who are engaged or who have been dating for more than eighteen months. Howard said, "My fiancée complains that our relationship is the 'pits.' This really hurts me." After I asked a few questions about their dating, I was forced to agree with Howard's fiancée that their relationship was the "pits." They had basically the same kinds of dates every week with no variety or creative expression.
Some time ago, I counseled a fine couple about the problem of boredom in their dating. When we finished, the young lady said, "Thank you, Brother Schaap, for giving out ideas for a living." That pretty well sums up a large portion of my dating counsel.
Boredom can be deadly to a relationship. The following are dozens of creative dating ideas that couples have used to add some spice to their dating.
1. Plan a picnic. Picnicking is basic, but it is always fun, especially by a lake or in a row boat.
2. Prepare a Mexican dinner. Dress up in Mexican sombreros, play Mexican music, eat Mexican food. You could create the same type of atmosphere by using Chinese, Japanese, German, French, Italian, or Russian food and dress. Decorate your dining room in the national colors with color posters you can pick up at most travel agencies. Music cassettes featuring that country's native songs can be checked out at public libraries. Fifteen minutes spent reading an encyclopedia about a certain nation and its cuisine and customs could add extra touches to your decorating and entrees.
3. Entertain with a formal dinner at home. Ask a family member or friend to dress up as a butler or maid in formal serving attire. Set a formal dinner table with white linen tablecloths and napkins, crystal, china and candles. (Borrow items from friends or relatives or rent them from any rental store.) For food, you can serve anything from a five course meal featuring Chateaubriand to Big Macs. In fact, elegant settings with fast food would make the occasion humorous, yet memorable.
4. Go canoeing.
5. Go fishing. Stocked trout ponds are great fun. You are almost guaranteed to catch many fish. This is especially good for those girls who are not fond of placing worms on fish hooks.
6. Go hunting.
7. Learn the sport of archery.
8. Bowl a couple of games. To add some flair to the occasion, buy an inexpensive trophy to award your date.
9. Go hiking.
10. Play a game of table tennis.
11. Learn the game of tennis.
12. Take walks. My wife and I got into the habit of walking together while we were dating. We still love to just take a leisurely stroll through a park, along a quiet beach at sunset, or on a wooded path.
13. Secure two bikes and go biking.
14. Play a game of badminton.
15. Invest in some table and computer games. "Sorry," "Monopoly," "Dominos," "Checkers" and a host of other games all provide hours of laughter, challenge, and fun for two or more people.
16. Read a book together. Biographies, adventure stories, travelogues, history, the Bible, and other books can be enjoyed by reading in turn to each other.
17. Make a homemade card for a shut-in. One of the very best ways to get close to a person is to do something together for another person. There are scores of elderly or bed- ridden people in your church or community who would absolutely love a homemade card from a young dating couple.
18. Plan a surprise phone call For dating couples who are at college or away from home, put a few dollars worth of change in your pocket or purse. Stop at a pay phone and call your date's family or friend without their knowing it. When the person answers the phone, hand the receiver to your date. Not only will your date's family be pleased with the unexpected call, but your date will be surprised and happy and will spend the remainder of the date talking about this surprise. 19. Make a homemade sign or card of cheer and encouragement for your pastor.
20. Make a candy bar poster for your parents, your date, your youth director, or anyone. These posters require a lot of thought, imagination and planning as the different names of candy bars are used to write out a loving message. (The actual candy bars are used so that the message can be eaten a little at a time!)
21. Make some homemade baked goods. Bake some cookies or brownies, or make some fudge or popcorn to take to someone in the hospital, someone sick at home, your pastor, your youth director, your grandparents, or someone who needs cheering. This activity allows you to enjoy making the gift as a date as well as enjoying giving the gift on the same or a later date.
22. Wash your parent's or pastor's car together.
23. Make a newspaper for your date. Using an actual newspaper, cut out funny or serious articles. Insert your date's name in place of the person named in the article. You could also add a picture of your date and articles written by friends. Paste the articles on a poster board and design your own headline.
24. Make a "Lifesaver" note. Carefully slice open one end of a "Lifesaver" roll of candy. Write a message to your date, very tightly roll up the message and insert it through the holes of the candy still in the package. Then carefully glue down the open end of the candy roll. At a fitting time, give it as a gift to your date. As your date takes a piece of candy, the piece of paper rolled up in the center of the roll will be discovered.
25. Make a "Cracker Jack" surprise. Carefully open the bottom of a box of "Cracker Jack." Find the prize package already in the box, open the envelope carefully in order to reuse it, and make a new prize with a special gift or message for your date. Replace the "prize package," and reseal the box. Give the box to your date. A note of caution: Just be sure you give your date the correct box!
A friend of mine gave his girlfriend her engagement ring by using this kind of surprise. He handed me four boxes of "Cracker Jack," but didn't mark which one was for his girlfriend. You never saw two guys worry more than we did when it came time for me to pass out the boxes to his girlfriend and my wife. Fortunately, it worked out as planned, but I always wondered what would have happened if the wrong person had received the ring!
26. Have a scavenger hunt. This is a great idea to use for a surprise if you have not seen your date for quite some time and you are not expected. Send a letter to your date with directions to a specific location. That letter also should hint at a special surprise gift awaiting your date's arrival! Then, at that place, have directions to other designated locations until your date arrives at a special place where you are found waiting.
27. Double date to the zoo.
28. Spend an afternoon at a museum.
29. Write the Chamber of Commerce in your state for information. Ask for the names and locations of tourist attractions, recreational facilities and parks within 25 miles of your hometown. You will be surprised at the amount of information available on different activities and facilities. For example, near my own area, you can find these:
(1) A 200-year-old authentic Dutch windmill that still grinds flour and makes for a great tour.
(2) An exact replica of a village in the Netherlands with shops, canals, Dutch costumes, and music.
(3) An antique city comprised of dozens of little antique shops that are fun to see and offer great gift ideas.
(4) A ferry boat ride across a large river.
(5) A national wildlife refuge where the geese and ducks can be fed.
(6) A rustic and romantic restaurant featuring an old-fashioned cider press still being used to make apple cider.
(7) Three-hundred-foot high sand dunes that offer an incredible view of the sunset.
(8) Dune schooner rides that are super thrilling. They drive straight down the dunes right into the water.
(9) An Amish community where an entire day can be spent touring, eating, and riding in horse-drawn buggies.
(10) State parks with great canoeing and hiking facilities.
(11) The third largest city in America with the world's tallest building. Since this building has an observation deck, it makes for a romantic date in the evening looking out over the city from 103 stories high.
(12) A boat ride on a river that flows through the large city.
(13) World-famous science museums, aquariums, planetariums. and zoos.
By no means is this list conclusive. On the contrary, the surface of what is available has hardly been touched, thereby offering a dating couple unlimited opportunities other than going to each other's houses to watch the weekly sit-coin.
30. Go miniature golfing.
31. Drive go-carts.
32. Visit auto shows.
33. Watch truck or tractor pulls.
34. Visit antique shows.
35. Attend the county fair. My wife and I take our children to the county fair each year; we go to look at the 4-H exhibits, the livestock, the horse shows, and to enjoy the food.
36. Watch a demolition derby.
37. Go to book sales at county libraries.
38. Map out and visit garage and/or yard sales.
39. Follow sports. Most guys like sports, as do many girls. The more you know about the particular sport that your date likes, the easier it will be to talk with each other.
I think you should have a general knowledge about all of the major organized sports, including some of the leading college teams. The best way to become familiar with the world of sports is to read the daily sports page in your newspaper or to peruse one of the you can find the popular sports magazines.
40. Go horseback riding. Next door to my subdivision is a riding stable. For very little money, one can rent two horses for a couple of hours.
41. Get an autographed picture of your date's favorite athlete or preacher. Send a letter and a few dollars to cover the expenses, and you can deliver a keepsake to your date.
42. Build a model of your favorite sports car together. These models are quite inexpensive and provide several hours of enjoyment.
43. Make a scrapbook. Put together a scrapbook of |
